A day of my past into an insignificant future.
My past is such a struggle, its painful to remember, painful to relive.
The day that comes to mind, is pure torture.
When I was little, my mom wanted me and my siblings to see my dad one last time before he was sent away for years to come. The problem was someone found out. They didn’t like my moms’ last desperate resort.
I was put in foster care with my twin and the rest of us were spread out by themselves.
It was one night, only some sort of a 24 hour time period, but it was hell.
I was so small, and I felt so alone. I had only my sister to comfort me and she was in a comforting mood. We sat, cuddled up together, under a table for hours, crying, until we fell asleep. We forced to eat spaghetti, of all things, for dinner and to this day I can no longer eat that saucy covered pasta.
My mom was able to pull me out of the system, throwing out her own fears and helplessness for the court to see, a desperate housewife being evicted from her home, with no money, no job, a husband being tossed into prison for the pain he put into my family. We had nowhere to go and she had never been on her own before. (Let alone with 6 kids on her hands.)
Her utter desperation is what released her kids from . . . ultimate daycare let’s call it.
When we got home, we were never really home. We had to move around, living with different people, never on our own. Never with daddy again.
I saw him, a few visits to the prison visiting center but it was never satisfying. He never seemed to want to see me, he pushed me away.
Even so, he wrote letters and drew pictures and made cards; even got a few phone calls here and there.
One thing I remember most, is being signed up for Angel Tree. There would be a family who would call my mom during Christmas time and every kid would make a list. That family would buy the things we put on our list and say they were from daddy.
Every year, we would get the call.
Every year, we would wait for a delivery to out door.
Every year, we would have the special tags, they were shaped as a tree with Angel Tree written on the top, “from daddy”.
Every year, we would open them on Christmas eve.
Every year, disappointment rang when my daddy didn’t come home for Christmas.