Keep breathing

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I haven’t been around in a few days and that’s because I’ve been having a pretty hard time. I can’t really explain why…I can’t seem to understand and I am trying to be okay with NOT understanding but it’s difficult, it’s something a person wants to be able to do with everything is just to understand because that’s really all a person can do. When you can’t…its’s like you’re lost, and being lost is hard to deal with. 

My depression is building up and raging a storm inside of me. I don’t know how to stop it because I don’t understand. All I want for myself is to be happy, is that so much to ask? I just want to feel good and okay and at peace with myself and everyone. Why can’t that be something within my reach? Everyone should be given the opportunity to be always happy, always joyful and always free. 

Free, true freedom. That’s another talk, for another time that I can’t wait to have. 

I’m reaching out with my blog because I need help. My usual coping skills are slightly unreachable right now as I do not have the funds or the weather to use them, it must be the snow for I cannot for the life if me think of anything else. I wish I could control it, I’m sick of not being the one in charge and letting my emotions get the best of me. 

Does it really have to be that hard? It doesn’t make any logical sense to me. 

I want to live in the summer and take my board out every single day and relax in the warmth and the breezy sun and just cruise down empty streets, paved smooth like riding on butter. Move along life with nothing but the sun at my back and a beer in one hand and a joint/cigarette in the other, as I ride toward open ocean and the smell of salty, sea spray stinging my nose. What a life it would be, always a camera around my neck to snap the pictures coming into view because the opportunities are always there. 

I find it amazing how I can sit at my laptop and start writing and immediately feel so much better, what about you? How do you want to live, what do you want to do, where do you want to be? The perfect day, moment, lifetime, what is it? 

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Slipping in to temptation

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Today was a struggle but I have to say, it was worth it. 

Chillin’ outside at lunch, tokin’ on your birthday with friends?

Good day for me, not the smartest decision, but worth it.

Just the slow descent of falling into a nice, low high, it’s like a beautiful painting, moving into depth with more strokes of color, deeper and deeper until the painting begins its flight back up before its over and the final picture pieced together.

That’s what its like to fall into a high, slow and peaceful, and fully contented.

Its the struggle of being outside of that high that causes me to go back for more, that makes me thirst for the fog that wanders over my mind, the cloud covers up all the bad stuff that I don’t want to remember and lets me feel as free as a bird with wings.