Keep breathing

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I haven’t been around in a few days and that’s because I’ve been having a pretty hard time. I can’t really explain why…I can’t seem to understand and I am trying to be okay with NOT understanding but it’s difficult, it’s something a person wants to be able to do with everything is just to understand because that’s really all a person can do. When you can’t…its’s like you’re lost, and being lost is hard to deal with. 

My depression is building up and raging a storm inside of me. I don’t know how to stop it because I don’t understand. All I want for myself is to be happy, is that so much to ask? I just want to feel good and okay and at peace with myself and everyone. Why can’t that be something within my reach? Everyone should be given the opportunity to be always happy, always joyful and always free. 

Free, true freedom. That’s another talk, for another time that I can’t wait to have. 

I’m reaching out with my blog because I need help. My usual coping skills are slightly unreachable right now as I do not have the funds or the weather to use them, it must be the snow for I cannot for the life if me think of anything else. I wish I could control it, I’m sick of not being the one in charge and letting my emotions get the best of me. 

Does it really have to be that hard? It doesn’t make any logical sense to me. 

I want to live in the summer and take my board out every single day and relax in the warmth and the breezy sun and just cruise down empty streets, paved smooth like riding on butter. Move along life with nothing but the sun at my back and a beer in one hand and a joint/cigarette in the other, as I ride toward open ocean and the smell of salty, sea spray stinging my nose. What a life it would be, always a camera around my neck to snap the pictures coming into view because the opportunities are always there. 

I find it amazing how I can sit at my laptop and start writing and immediately feel so much better, what about you? How do you want to live, what do you want to do, where do you want to be? The perfect day, moment, lifetime, what is it? 

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Picture Perfect

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I’ve always wanted to be a photographer and soon you’ll see my work. Photography is a thing that’s pulled me in all of my life. I want to be able to tell a story, show people through my photos that there is hope and there is a life outside your chaos. Your mind tells a different kind of story, one you’re not in control of, With photos, you can capture the beauty that you don’t have the ability to see otherwise. It proves that there is life, and it’s full of light! You can feel alive without harming yourself further. It is possible for you to be able to work through your problems just by looking at the joy in the world through another persons’ eyes.  

Lugubrious

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Lugubrious, a word i recently learned (about 20 minutes ago) in Composition Literature 9. My second hour class at Grandville High School. 

Wednesdays are special for we learn a new word every time, “Wacky Word Wednesday,” cheesy and cliche I know, but today was rather interesting. 

Lugubrious (adj) meaning, excessive mourning. 

What a word, so new and wild, but meaning something so sad, yet soothing. It’s such a wonder how much one word can impact a persons’ feelings. I heard her say it and immediately started to think about my depression. Excessive mourning over long ass periods of time. Its hard, it really is. Listening to someone so easily, pushing out a word that you have so much difficulty with is completely crazy. It doesn’t make sense that something like that could just be so simple. 

Why does one person have to have it so hard and another so easy. 

Is one person thought as better than another so their lives just get to be so much simpler?

Is one person meant to become suicidal while the other is so pro-life?

Why can’t everyone just have the urge to want to live with everything they have? 

It doesn’t make sense to me, life just doesn’t make sense and I guess it’s not supposed to. If there really is some higher force up there, then He should know what’s going on. The one person who knows why people were put on earth with different choices, ideas, different struggles and hardships. 

Sometimes I just wish everyone was able to be free.